The Harrowing Tales Of Sirius Black
by Epitaphx
Summary: Pissed off mates? Check. Chance to embarrass Lilly Evans? Check. Unprepared for the chaos to ensue? Most definitely.
1. What Happened Was

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disclaimer: I wish I owned this. I would have money. I like money.

I don't know where this idea came from--but it wont go away.

italics are flashbacks..

if there are any glaring typos my apologies. I usually check regularly to weed them out.

* * *

" _There is no way you can get her to fall for your.. . charms." _

"_Wanna bet?_

That was the reason why I am here. Hiding in- well here. I don't know exactly where this "here" is but my current location of my hiding-hiding from my friend so he can't see the stupid thing I got myself into now.

Okay maybe I should start off more of an explanation. This girl, too good for my time of day type. You know, blonde, too thin and a very nice. . .anyway. She, Mona Doyle, was who I was in lust with for the week.

I was just told it was impossible. You do not tell me, I, Sirius Black that I cannot have something or in the case, someone. So I stared down my counterpart Lilly Evans.

Ooh was I going to prove her wrong. She stared back at me trying to be menacing.

"_A bet?" She raised her right brow._

"_Yes. A bet. You remember who those are don't you?" I gave her my best grin._

"_I am aware of what those are. Alright. We have a bet. You can't land her in, " she paused, thinking I supposed, " two weeks you have to do something. I don't know what yet. But I'll come up with something._

"_I may have to do something? Oh I am shaking in my robes!" _

_Lilly shook her head_

"_I am sure I can get help from your two wonderful friends Remus and James. I bet they would love coming up with some stunt to embarrass you. Didn't you just pull a prank on them last week? Huh." She turned her head to the side._

_Oh shit. They still had the dye and feathers. Note-continue to avoid them at lunch and dinner._

"_Leave them out of this and we have a deal. You make me do some stunt and if I can't land her within the time frame you have to do something in return."_

"_Deal."_

We shook on it That was it. After that we parted ways. I came up with my game plan. I needed to get a girl to fall hopelessly in love with me in two weeks. Couldn't be so bad right? I mean I am one of the most handsome guys here.

I just wasn't prepared for the insanity that was Mona Doyle. I caught up with her after potions, which apparently we had together. I should probably pay more attention in class.

"Hey." Not the most romantic start but I did have a plan to get there.

"Do I know you?" Mona stared at me. Her beautiful green eyes bored into me. It was almost painful.

"Maybe. That depends-"

"Sirius I need help with my charms homework! You're good at and the professor is glaring at me and Remus is mad at me 'cause I spilled my ink on his paper and we lost fifty points and James wont talk to me because he is still pissed at you and I don't know what to do!"

That stupid little worm..

"Um I see you're busy. Bye" With that my Mona left me.

"What do you need help with." I asked sighing. I really shouldn't have to deal with such inane problems. I have a bet to win.

"Everything!" Peter squeaked.

"Wormtail buddy, you should start taking these things called notes, that way we don't have to teach you all the time. Come on then."

We started making our way to our common room when I noticed the approaching enemy.

"What is it?" Peter was quivering. Why was he quivering? Oh right. I was nervous.

"You know. I am going to have to meet up with you later." I didn't hear his reply back as I ran in the opposite end of the hall.

Last week I had the best idea of a prank ever. I was bored and my two victims IE: Best mate and lesser best mate. It was perfect.

It also ruined their robes, hair, skin and they looked like giant rainbow owls. I thought it was funny. Least I kept my sense of humor.

How was I supposed to know Remus and James BOTH had girlfriends? And dates THAT night? Really now. Totally not my fault.

The three of us haven't been on the best terms if you will. Basically I have been avoiding them ever since. I shall continue to do so until it all blows over.

The broom closet or whatever the hell it is called was like a second home.

I closed my eyes and rested against-I hope that was a broom.

"This a part of your plan, Black? Get the girl by hiding in the janitors closet? I am impressed. Quitting now?" Lilly leaned against the door frame.

"Me quit? Never! I am just trying to cool down you know? Give you a chance."

She smiled.

"A chance? All you have to do is fail. I don't have to do anything but watch."

How smug she was. I can see why Jamesy liked her so much.

"Trust me, Evans. I have a plan.. I also just so happen to have decided what I want you to do when I win."

Which was a total lie. Note-come up with stunt for her to do. Possibly make out with Mona.

Lilly's eyes sparkled

"Me too. I can't wait to see what happens. Have fun with the broom." She closed the door.

I really needed a plan. I needed priories. I needed James and Remus to tutor Peter so I could go off and get that damn Mona and win.

First I needed them to stop being mad. That was going to be fun.


	2. Surprise! Food

_Thanks for the reviews guys. Glad you liked it.  
_

* * *

When one needs to win the good graces of rightfully, well rightfully in their mind, angry-scornful mates, you do what anyone would do.

Good ol' manipulation. I knew exactly what I had to do to get said brassed off mates chill out.

James was arrogant like me! And proud of it. He was prideful and what do prideful arrogant men like? Cake. Lost of cake. And lucky for me I was in with the house elves.

We had an agreement. I wouldn't rat them out for spitting in a certain House of Git's food and I got to eat all the food I wanted after hours. So all I needed to do was give my wonderful friends some food and it should all be blown over and forgotten.

There was only one slight problem to deal with. A certain cranky, creaky old prat and his cat were roaming the halls. Ha! And they say I am not poetic.

Anyway along with needing the cakes- not a problem, Mr. Bookworm-Perfect likes to read when he ate. Don't understand that but whatever. The problem was getting into the library, with the food, not dropping the food, avoid the creaky prat and cat, steal the books and go back to my room and deliver said gifts.

Had I had a certain cloak this would be easy but when the owner of said cloak has not been talking to the one in dire need of it, life just is much more difficult.

I left the broom closet shortly after Lilly did. It was surprisingly easy to get to the kitchen.

"Good evening sir." One of the elves greeted me. I always forget their names. I nodded to him-I think it was a he.

"Are you joining the young witch, sir?" The same elf asked me.

"Who?" Someone else had it good with the elves? I looked around the kitchen and by the end of the table in the middle of the kitchen was my Mona.

"Between you and me sir, I do not like her." I looked at the elf. He had a look of disgust and went back to where the others were hiding.

Why'd they let her stay if they hated her? I didn't care really I just got a chance to win my wonderful Mona!

"Hey. Sneaking out for some food? That's a bit naughty innit?" I tried to smile my best, "you know you want this," smile.

Too bad she wasn't looking in my direction. Such a waste in retrospect.

"Oh. You're here. You're not a rat are you?" Why hello to you.

"Do I look like a perfect?" Her beautiful green eyes penetrated my core once again.

"I suppose not. I thought the food would be better now for some reason. Those things, what are they again? They should learn to cook."

Kinda cranky isn't she?

"Ah. The food is good. What's your pleasure?"

"Cinnamon. I like cinnamon." I looked down at her plate. That was a piece of steak.

"That's a steak." I was good at pointing out things.

"I know. Cinnamon is good on everything. You should try it." She cut a piece off and lifted up it up to me on the fork like an offering.

So I plucked it off and ate it. It wasn't half bad.

"Hm. S'okay."

I sat down beside her. What was I doing here again?

" I like to come here sometimes. Think and eat. Usually peaceful."

There was a crash behind us. One of the elves accidentally dropped a plate.

"I am sorry!" The other two quickly cleaned the mess.

"Usually peaceful." She looked back at her plate.

"My name is Sirius." I extended my hand. She looked back from her plate and eyed my hand.

" Mona."

She stared down at her food. Was it supposed to do a trick? I never got why people did that.

"So Mona-"

"It's a nice moon isn't it? I like nights like this. I may try to sneak outside for a bit."

Moon. Moon in sky. Full moon. Wait. Moony moody. Sick. James not in room. Oh fu-

I stood up. I totally-

"I have to go now."

I ran before I could hear her response and I think I may have kicked one of the elves on accident too but I didn't care. I had to leave. Why didn't I pay attention? I never forgot this. Never once. I always remembered!

" Watch it!" Apparently with all my bloody thinking I ran into someone. Great. I looked up.

" You watch it, you greasy git!" Snape. The last person I needed to see right now.

"You ran into _me, _Black_." _He pushed my robes away and stood up I really did not like this kid.

"And now I am leaving." I also stood and started to run again.

"Meeting with your friends? A bit later than usual." I stopped. Did I want to fight right now? What was a good hex?

"Late? Naw. You know our club meetings start promptly at one. Gotta improve your stalking skills, mate!"

"Club meetings?"

"You know, "Snape is a giant-" He made a face and raised his hand

"Hilarious. Goodnight." He walked in the other direction. Okay now I started to run again. What is most annoying is when you are a hurry you forget all the little secret hideouts that have become second nature.

On a normal day/night I would be able to with ease be hidden, however tonight because of the importance and the stupidity of me forgetting the tradition, I couldn't find any of them. The hidden passage ways. None of them. I felt so lost and confused.

This was the second time this has happened and I hated it then and I hated it now.

"Sirius Black what do you think you're doing roaming the halls?" I halted.

"You know, you could give a guy a heart attack."

"Sorry. What are you doing up anyway?"

"What are _you _doing up, Evans?" Lilly walked into the light

"I needed to get away from my roommates. Molly and Arthur are together. Very loud and happy couple."

"I didn't need to know that."

"Nor did I."

"I can't talk. I have to go. Things. Important things."

"You're acting weird and it's not even a full moon."

It wasn't a full moon?

"Huh?"

"That's the saying isn't it? Or legend or whatever it is. Full moons makes you stranger." She looked away from me and stared at her feet.

" I have a plan. I need to get cake." I walked backwards.

"You have fun with that."

I was able accomplish my plan. I snuck the cakes back and placed them in the appropriate positions so they wouldn't get smashed or make with the sheets

I couldn't sleep that night. I was so proud of my work. I knew I was able to totally appease my mates. This will work flawlessly. Now if only they woke up, and came to me, seeing their happy-

"Who the hell put a cake in my bed?" Or not.

" What's wrong?"

"There is- cake in my bed. What the--is this a prank? It's not even funny! It's pretty miserable."

James you wanker..

"Is it me or are people putting random food-"

"You get cake too?"

"Streak…"

Who gets mad at surprise food? it's a nice gesture. Honestly. I felt their eyes on me so I looked up.

"I don't think there is anything wrong with food in the bed. Maybe it was a peace offering. "

No one said anything for a minute.

"Maybe-we were being a bit-immature?" Moony and his rational side. Oh how I missed it.

"Possibly may have overreacted." That's my Prongs!

"So would it be safe to assume that we all are-"

"Yeah." They said at once. Good. I needed that damn map and cloak -oh and having friends back is good.

"Do you have a crush on Lilly Evans?' James stared at me intensely. This was good. He now asks me after we admit we are okay.

"No. She's yours remember? I like Mona."

I let myself drift back to the previous night. We had a real connection. This would be the easiest bet to win. Drat- needed to come up with embarrassing stunt.

"Just-I've seen you two hang out more. I was just wondering."

"Rest easy my boy-she's all yours!" James smiled and turned to leave.

"Oy-I ran into the grease monkey and let it slip we had a club about him-so should we have a-"

"What kind of club?"

"We hate the greasy ninny?"

"I'll pass." Moony walked out of the room. I must figure out why he was moody. Note-ask him later.

"I have to go. Evans usually has breakfast about this time. Hasn't been able to talk to her much. Potions taking up my life. See you in class."

James skipped out of our room. I was alone at last. Needed to come up with a way to get more alone time with my Mona. Did she eat breakfast? What was the class we had together. Not charms was it? Bah. Must figure that out.

Plan for the day: Get breakfast, maybe eat with my Mona if possible. Find out class we share and sit by her. Also figure out why Moony is being so bloody moody. Good plan.

Least I thought it was a good plan. I got up out of bed, dressed in my proper robes and uniform. I scouted for my Mona at breakfast. She wasn't anywhere. Maybe she hates food. Well that can't be it, she likes cinnamon steak. I needed to get her to like me fast. My time was a running out.

I left after a quick bite to eat. I wanted to go to all my classes early in case my Mona was in any of them today or at all for that matter. Potions was first. Joy of joys.

Snapey-poo was in with me and I swear he always hexed my ingredients. Ah!

I had spotted my beloved. My Mona was definitely in my class. I ran over to her and sat beside her. My Mona stared at me for a second before sitting down at the table.

"Hello." My Mona didn't look at me. She focused all of her energy ahead of her at the blackboard in front of the dungeon.

"Hey I must say after last night I am now craving cinnamon steak." I smiled. She smiled for a second before going to straight faced no nonsense like I knew and adored.

Progress= me. No scratch that- Progress=us.

"It's not a difficult dish to prepare. Just cook it to how you want and add in the cinnamon."

"Really now? I just cannot cook. Why don't you and I have gathering in the kitchen again?"

My Mona turned to face me.

"You want to ask me out on a date to the kitchen of our school?" She raised a brow.

"Yes."

" And let me guess our second would be to a closet on some floor, right?"

"I was thinking more like snog in a prefect's bathroom but if you-"

Mona turned slightly pink and snapped her head back to the front.

"Midnight in the kitchen don't be late." I smiled.

"The only snogging you'll be doing by the way, would to an elf's ass."

I really liked this girl. The rest of the class was a blur. It all blended together. I didn't even see My Mona leave.

The rest of the day dragged on. I didn't see my Mona at all for the most part. She never seemed to be around much. Wondered why that was. Like I said, the rest of _day_ was uneventful.

I ate a light dinner and ran back to my room, I was preparing for my date. My Mona was special and deserved a well kept serious Sirius.

" I told you, get away from me! I don't know anything. Leave me alone."

Narcissa and Serverus were having a lover's quarrel. How adorable.

"As amusing as it is to watch you, could you both kindly move away from the staircase? Some of us like using them." Narcissa gave me a cold glare before complying.

"Thank you." I did a tiny bow before leaving them at it. The only person in the common room other than myself was Moony, he was reading something.

"Hey. Catch the show back there too?" He looked up

"Catch what show?"

"Narcissa and Snape fighting. Amusing." Moony paled a bit. More than usual. He looked sad and nervous. That was not the reaction I was going for.

"They were? Catch what it was about?" He asked me quietly.

"She wanted to be left alone." This was slightly awkward.

"Oh." He looked back at his book.

"Is there something wrong?' I waked closer.

"Everything is fine." He said it so stoically.

"You know if you need to talk-"

"I'm fine. I just want to read this book, all right?" I nodded.

"Okay." I looked at him again before going to the stairs to my room. I really needed to get that kid sorted. Note-after date have real conversation with Moony.


	3. Kiss and punch?

I didn't have time to deal with moody werewolves I had a date to prepare for and humiliation to plan. I almost wished Evans was here in my room so I could rub her face in my victory. Did she really think I would lose? Ha! A Black never loses.

I remember there was this hair tonic spell my brother uses but I couldn't remember what it was for the life of me. Hairous sta-nah. Something is off. Doesn't matter my hair is perfect anyway.

I made my way downstairs and to the common around 11. I wanted to get to the kitchen early this time. I was planning to make this night really-

"Where are you off to?" Ah! Evans! Just the witch I wanted to see.

"I have a date, which means that I win this little bet."

"One date and you think you've won? Does she want to date you?"

"Well I assume saying yes-"

Lilly shook her head and laughed. She laughed at me.

"One date means nothing. It merely shows she is either bored or curious. The bet was she

wouldn't fall for you or want to be your girlfriend. I really don't think she agreed to that, has she?"

"Not exactly but-"

"Then you haven't won. I am still winning."

"It may appear that way."

'It _is _that way. Trust me, not every girl here is mindless. We can resist you." She patted my shoulder before turning around.

"Just so you know when I win-"

"Not happening!"

I was getting behind schedule. I ran through the painting door and down the halls to the kitchen, they elves greeted happily and I heard my lovely Mona . . .crying.

"Mona what's-oh. It's you." It was my cousin Nacissa. Not someone I usually enjoyed spending my time with.

When she saw me she composed herself.

"What do you want." It would have been more intimidating if she had not been sniffling

" This is a kitchen, genius. What else would I want here but food?" I grabbed a pastry off one of the shelves and shoved it in my mouth..

A bit of parchment fell from her hands and I bent to see what it was but she snatched it before I could get a good look.

"Mine." She snarled.

Nacissa glares at me one last time before making her much needed exit. I didn't want her around spoiling my good time. My Mona made her entrance at this time. Damn hope she didn't have talk to her.

"Friend of yours?" She looked backed.

"No. Cousin. Don't get along too well." I motioned for her to have seat. Well sans chair and the blanket is just remembered I wanted to bring.

"Sorry to hear that." I handed her a piece of cake.

"Don't be. Not worth feeling sorry over. Mum loves her. Can't see why."

"Family is-it's sad when people can't get along." My Mona started intensely at her food. This was starting off bad. Can't afford awkward situations. Must liven up date.

"So, do you like it?" I nodded towards the cake she was avidly watching.

"It's missing something." My Mona poked the cake with her finger.

"Cinnamon?" She smiled at my suggestion. Getting somewhere. I was going to win this bet tonight.

"I may have-" Mona pulled something from her robe's pocket. It was a small canister with, "C" on written on the side.

"Always carry it with me."

She smiled and added some cinnamon to the dessert. I moved closer. I had to speed things along. Time was running out.

"I tried it on my steak the other night. It was good." I smiled and traces my fingers over her hand. I felt electricity, I felt the connection we shared.

"Told you it was good." Her eyes moved from her plate and onto her hand. Upon noting this I moved my hands along up her arm, she tenses at first be relaxed when I reached her face.

"What are you doing?" My Mona took a hold of my hand.

"Nothing." I was making much needed progress. Good. I moved closed and leaned into her. Mona stayed frozen in her spot, which worked out perfectly for me so I placed my lips on hers.

I put my arm on her shoulder, brought her closer to me and then she promptly hit my chest and I gasped for breath.

"What in Merlin's name is wrong with you? There are _things _watching us here!" Mona pushed me backwards and stepped over me.

"I thought you had decency. What was I thinking. Taking me here! In the kitchen?" She was shaking now.

"We could always go back to my-" My Mona turned around and stomped on my hand.

"You slimly little worm, what do you think I am? Some whore you can just use anytime you want?"

Okay now she getting psycho on me. How to avert this.

"You're right, I was too forward."

"No shit."

"Now just sit down I promise no more-"

"No. I Know about you. You sleep with girls and then dump them. How am I going be any different?"

"Because I actually like you?"

Well that part was true.

"You like me? Okay. What do you like about me then?"

Oh this was going to be easy.

"I like your eyes, your hair, the way you walk and move."

"You read a lot of romance novels don't you?"

A what?

"No. I really like you." And want to win a bet so sit the hell down and snog.

"Fine. I'll give you a week. Try this out. You can only like me though. Spend time with me and if I catch you with another-"

Did I just hear the victory bells?

"Done!"

Mona blinked a few times.

"Okay. Well, see you then."

"No goodnight kiss?"

"No. You've had enough of that already. Bye." She grabbed her bag and left in a hurry. Oh how sweet this is to win.

* * *

"It doesn't count."

"Of course it counts, Prongs?"

"Well, she did say they'd date so-"

"Only for a one week and isn't the bet for two Sirius?"

I still won.

"I still won, she agreed to date me, the time frame isn't even important." I did not lose.

"Did she say the words, " I want to be your girlfriend."

No.

"She said , "let's try this for a week-"

"See? Try this for a week. She's testing you out, not dating you. Not your girlfriend."

Damn that smug look on her face. She's been hanging out with us too long.

"Has anyone seen Moony today? He's been kind of distant lately."

James followed that up with a giant bite of steak. I added my cinnamon before consuming mine and damn. Was going sort that issue out. I can do it after dinner.

Dinner was uneventful and I left quickly to find Moony. I needed to figure him out. This had been bugging me all week, apart from how to get My Mona, whom I did have.

I found him once again reading in the main common room alone. Instead of a book this time he was reading a bit of parchment. Maybe reviewing an essay.

"Missed dinner again." He jumped a little at my voice.

"I did? Oh. Not hungry anyway."

I looked around before sitting down next to him. We were totally alone so this was a good.

"Something's brother you, isn't there?" Maybe his wolfness was picking on him from the inside.

"I told you I am perfectly fine." Liar.

"Is it your, you know? Cause you're pale, more so than usual and the full moon has been over for-"

"No, it does not have anything to do with that and I would appreciate if you didn't talk about my illness so openly in public."

"Then what is it?"

"I made a mistake and I am paying for it." How cryptic

"What mistake? What's going on?"

"I was stupid and told the wrong person something. I think my time here is over."


End file.
